So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Ah. I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. I love you. Its a little startling to hear something super serious like life is really dark so that would be a surprise here as well. I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". So, it's perfectly . I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). I immediately turn it around on them. Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. What are you doing Thursday? (Seriously? Your turn to tell me what you have in mind!. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. Going back to work? Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. Nothing very interesting. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. Every weekend! You can do that! Why not? It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? Or It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. ooh. Flip the question back on them. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! I dont know? Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. Reading, learning, documentaries, podcasts, etc. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. Dont do that to a friend. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. The professor went to the restroom. Of course both people will vary from the scripts with personal style and the situation, but that is the general way it can go. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Especially not in NYC, where housing is so tight, and especially when she doesnt have a job.). It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. No, it had just been earlier that very day. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. What are you doing this weekend? Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. Am I Really? Im right there with you. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). or are you busy?). interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. I will have to remember, the next time I must declare myself to a new prospective partner, to offer up the alternative plan of talking about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes and then never bringing it up again. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. Im in my 20s and married, living away from home, but I feel like Im constantly playing tug-a-war with my parents and were fighting over boundaries. Because shes a family member. So, now give me my money back. Making conversions . Those on the other side never see it that way. Busy busy busy! What works for you? Its just a formulaic greeting. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? She looks so comfortable. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. Them: What are you doing this weekend? What about you? Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! 14 "It was a riot! OMG yes! a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Take care of your boundaries! Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. Thanks for the invite though!. If people cant come, you still have plans with the one friend! Sometimes we have plans that I can adjust if there is something she wants to do. If you want to invite them, INVITE. Here are some of the most humorous replies to "How are you?" Table of contents: I'm Better on the inside than I Look on the outside Can't Complain. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. 3. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. They need to stop it. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? Thinking of seeing [movie]. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). Oh, stop it, will you? This relationship goes both ways. Can you do me a favor? Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Look who is talking. Im busy! The cousin wanting a servant. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. Not everyone in my life always has. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? Theres also Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. Unhelpful? (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. I'm going to say this to my parents. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. I used to get caught by this question. More and more, Ive been owning that I dont ever have to say yes. "Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. What is the stuff?? In the case of friends and dates, I feel like sometimes its a slightly manipulative way of getting me to do the actual asking / planning. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). 3. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. Me: Nope. Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. Doing great, what are you doing here? I am eating. Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. Add me as another one for Why? or Why do you ask? Because Ive discovered the people who ask what Im doing are usually people who want to ask me to do something they know I wont want to do (usually. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. Baking a cake. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Which brings me right back to not understanding why parents do this to themselves and their children. Its great! Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. "Better days are coming. Im glad for the above scripts! Is this just aimless small-talk? See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! This strikes me as so strange! The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Its an opener, like Hot enough for you? Or How about that sportsquad at the sportsmatch? The content of your answer is secondary to the dynamic of conversation. I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. You would think, right? #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. Most of what I get out of asking that conversation is sharing of day to day stuff about what we both have happening and are maybe looking forward to [that I can be happy or excited about for them] or things coming up they are anxious about or having other difficult feelings about [that they can talk about if they want to, or that I then know they might be having a difficult time on Tuesday so I should give them a ring then and see how it went/offer support if they want to process through talking]. This is such a common question, and I have a memory like a sieve, and once or twice replied Nothing much and accepted invitations which ended up double booking myself. Ask back? We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. 2. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Wanna do something? or You free Saturday? @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. person: cool yep If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. Him: You must be doing something. Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) Work it like a weekend warrior! In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? But it can still be frustrating to deal with. Me: Nope. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. after Ive made my piece clear. Julia has been . I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. FRIEND: I am available [date]! And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). Certain relatives. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. Its 2018. I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Also, again in the UK, if the person is literally asking, the emphasis will be strongly on are. It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. That's it, nothing extra. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. I have less than zero interest in tutoring kids that have no interest in the subject. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Because everybodys got something. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? Have a Happy . Maybe if the stress was a bit different? I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. Yep, my wife and I too. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. You can be annoyed by a wide variety of people forever. Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk.